15 December 2009

25 Things to do with a Jerk

I want to say at the beginning that I hope you're not reading this because you have consciously chosen to spend time with a jerk, meany head or someone who is otherwise not good. I say this because these people shouldn't really be associated with (at least not while they are being mean) if it is at all avoidable. I understand that sometimes forces beyond our control compel us to spend time with such people so I thought I would offer some suggestions.

  1. Punch them in the face, stomach or other random place. While this course of action might get you in trouble, it can be quite relieving for you and would effectively communicate your feelings to the injure person. The punch might also serve as a wakeup call in which the Mr. Mean might adjust his attitude while he adjusts his face.
  2. Go on a Roller Coaster ride because let's face: when you're zooming at high speeds on rickety rails you really don't care who is sitting next to you.
  3. "Study" with them in the Library. The key isn't to be studying the same thing with them, then you would have to study together. Rather, you should be studying as distantly unrelated a topic as you can so that you can sit in relative silence letting your feelings towards them simmer.
  4. Prank call them, especially while they are in class. If they spend so much of their time being mean chances are they forgot to silence it. This will give you the satisfaction of knowing you embarrassed them and even if you didn't you would really never know. It also gives them a reason to continue to be mean to you.
  5. Go ice skating with them. While spending "quality time with them" you can imagine the ice suddenly melting and them drowning at the bottom of the rink.
  6. Actually sabotage the ice rink with them because you realized that if they would drown, so would you. Beside, industrial "accidents" happen.
  7. Kick them in the shin. Admit it; you would feel a little better.
  8. Better: Play soccer with them and then kick them in the shin. Admit it; you would feel a little better.
  9. Best: Play football, or another full contact sport, and tackle them every chance you get.
  10. Figure out who drives them crazy, then hangout with those people.
  11. Figure out who the jerk likes, then hangout with them. You never know, you might find some sympathetic spirits. At worst you would realize that the jerk is alone in the world.
  12. I was going to write "play tag and other children's games" and then I realized that this could prove detrimental to your attempts to remain healthy and well after spending time with the not good person.
  13. Watch "Anne of Green Gables" with them. Now can be a jerk for long with all that talk of "kindred spirits".
  14. Make a dessert with them. At least something would be sweet.
  15. Talk to them, it will be good for them and it will be good for you. You may find out that you are the only friend they have (a phrase here which means "the person closest to a friend they have"). Or, you may find out way they act the way they do.
  16. Give the meany head a sucker. Even if they don't smile, you will. Sucker!
  17. Go on a long, long drive in the country. Really, it doesn't matter where you go or even if you go at all. By spending mass quantities of time together the jerk will either begin to grow on you, you will become more like them, they will become more like you, or someone will have died from strangulation.
  18. Buy a small potted plant, name it after the jerk, and say wonderful loving words to it all night long (you can sing too).
  19. Remember that the jerk is someone's child and that if the parents could survive raising them, you can survive a few hours with them.
  20. Be cautious to not mention, intimate or even hint at leaving on long trips even if you think they wouldn't be remotely interested. Chances are, if you've spent this much time with the jerk you really don't understand them or yourself and they will want to accompany, call or heckle you while traveling.
  21. Visit a museum with them. One of several things might happen: you might lose them, they might lose you, or the dinosaurs might come to life and eat them (hey, don't rain on your own parade here).
  22. Go to a baseball game with them even if you don't like baseball (you can count ad spots or something else productive), there is a chance that America's pastime is jerk's pastime too.
  23. Take an Interpersonal Communication class with them. They might take the hint, but even if they don't you could your skills.
  24. Give the jerk a chocolate every time they do something good. Soon you'll have them trained to good behavior.
  25. "Kidnap" the jerk, go on a long drive and drop them off somewhere.
(P.S. These ideas are just for laughs, don't actually do them.)

1 comment:

  1. I like number 2 and number 16. But then again they are all good. I think I also like the playing soccer and kicking them in the shin. hmmm...so many choices